As leaders, managers, coaches, and mentors, one of our most important roles is advising and influencing others. But the most effective advisors don't just dictate answers. They help guide people to discover solutions on their own.
Giving advice is not about asserting your opinion or stroking your own ego. It's about empowering and enabling others to solve problems and make decisions. When done skillfully, advising becomes a process of asking insightful questions, providing frameworks for evaluating options, and helping others tap into their own wisdom and expertise.
Ultimately, people are far more likely to act on solutions they feel a sense of ownership over. As the old saying goes, "People support what they help create." So how can you become a master of influencing and advising others? Here are some key principles to keep in mind.
Develop Self-Awareness and Emotional Intelligence
Effectively advising others starts with understanding yourself. Gain awareness of your own biases, strengths, weaknesses, and default approaches to influencing[1]. We all have unconscious tendencies in how we perceive situations and try to guide others. Recognizing your own patterns is the first step to expanding your range.
Influencing also requires a high degree of emotional intelligence - the ability to recognize and manage your own emotions and tune into the feelings of others[1]. When you can keep your own emotional reactions in check and empathize with what others are experiencing, you'll be far more effective at understanding their perspective and guiding them productively.
Some key aspects of emotional intelligence include[9]:
- Self-awareness: Recognizing your own emotions, reactions, and tendencies
- Self-management: Controlling impulsive feelings and reactions; maintaining composure
- Social awareness: Picking up on others' emotions and reading situations accurately
- Relationship management: Communicating clearly, resolving conflicts, and building bonds
Developing these skills requires deliberate practice, such as[9]:
- Observing leaders who demonstrate high emotional intelligence and considering what you can learn from them
- Reflecting on your own reactions and behaviors, especially in emotionally charged situations
- Seeking feedback from others on how you handle yourself and impact them
- Practicing techniques like mindfulness and meditation to build self-awareness
The more you develop your own emotional intelligence, the better equipped you'll be to navigate sensitive advising situations and positively influence others.
Understand Different Influencing Styles
There is no one-size-fits-all approach to advising and influencing. Effective leaders adapt their style to the person and situation at hand. Some common influencing styles include[1][4]:
- Logical appeals (head): Using data, facts, and rational arguments to make a case
- Emotional appeals (heart): Connecting your position to the other person's values, goals, and feelings
- Cooperative appeals (hands): Seeking buy-in and commitment by involving others in the process
Depending on the context and individual, certain approaches will be more effective than others. For example, a data-driven engineer might be convinced by a well-reasoned logical argument. A salesperson motivated by relationships may be more moved by an emotional appeal.
The key is to consider what influencing style is most likely to resonate with the person you're advising. You can ask yourself:
- What does this person tend to prioritize and value?
- In past situations, what has motivated them to take action?
- Do they respond better to facts and data or stories and emotional connections?
- Are they more convinced by authoritative directives or collaborative discussion?
Of course, this requires having some foundational understanding of the person and how they operate. It also means potentially flexing outside your own comfort zone or default style.
The most skilled advisors have a wide range of influencing approaches in their toolkit. They can seamlessly shift between logical, emotional, and cooperative appeals as the situation demands. Ultimately, the goal is to influence and advise, not to manipulate. Adapt your approach while staying true to your core values and principles.
See Things From Their Perspective
One of the most essential skills for an advisor is the ability to see things from the other person's point of view[2][3]. When someone comes to you for advice, they are generally looking at the situation through their own filters and constraints. Your role is to help expand their perspective.
Start by deeply listening to understand their position. Give them space to talk through the issue and explain how they see it. Ask clarifying questions to gather more context:
- What's important to you in this situation?
- What concerns or hesitations do you have?
- How have you approached similar challenges in the past? What worked and what didn't?
As they share, practice empathy and reflect back what you're hearing. This helps the other person feel understood and validates that you're considering their view. It may sound like:
"It sounds like you're feeling pulled between a few different options and aren't sure which direction to go. On one hand, you want to take on this new project because it aligns with your career goals. But you're also concerned about getting overloaded and not being able to spend as much time with your family. Is that right?"
Often, simply feeling heard and understood can help someone start to untangle their own thinking. It also helps you tailor your advice to what matters most to them. Reinforcing their priorities in your guidance makes it more relevant and actionable.
Importantly, seeing their perspective does not necessarily mean agreeing with it. You may still share a different point of view. But you'll be able to do it in a way that addresses the core of their concerns.
Ask Questions to Guide Their Thinking
When someone asks for your advice, it can be tempting to jump right to your conclusion and tell them what to do. However, the most effective advisors guide people to their own solutions by asking powerful questions[2].
Thoughtful questions help the other person clarify their goals, consider new angles, and think through potential paths forward. Some examples include:
- What outcome are you hoping to achieve? How will you know if you're successful?
- What have you already tried? What worked well and what would you do differently?
- What are a few potential options? What are the pros and cons of each?
- What support or resources would you need to move this forward?
- If you fast-forward 6 months from now, what will you wish you had done?
As they talk through the answers, continue asking follow-up questions to go deeper. Gently challenge any assumptions and reflect back patterns you're noticing. The goal is to expand their thinking, not steer them to your predetermined solution.
Of course, you can still share your own perspective and experience where relevant. But treat your view as additional input, not the definitive answer. Your opinion is more likely to land if you've first invested in understanding their world.
Powerful questions are the hallmark of effective advising. They demonstrate that you're not just interested in sharing your own brilliance, but committed to helping the other person find their way forward. Trust that they have the wisdom and expertise to discover the right solution.
Offer Guidance, Not Directives
When advising others, it's critical to recognize that your role is to provide guidance and support, not to dictate solutions[2]. Even if you have a strong point of view, the goal is to empower the other person to make their own decisions.
One way to strike this balance is to share relevant information and help them consider options, without being overly prescriptive. For example:
"Based on what you've shared, a few paths forward could be X, Y, or Z. In my experience, X tends to work well in situations like A and B, while Y can be effective when C is a factor. Z is perhaps the most innovative option, but would require D resources. What do you see as the most promising approach given your circumstances and goals?"
The key is to lay out possibilities objectively, share any relevant factual information, and provide frameworks for evaluating alternatives. But always bring it back to the other person to assess the implications for their specific situation.
If you have a strong recommendation, you might share it directly. But position it as your perspective, not an order. For example:
"Given everything you've shared, if I were in your shoes I would probably pursue X first. It seems to best align with your goals and constraints around Y and Z. But of course, you know your situation best. What do you think?"
Ultimately, the person you're advising needs to own the path forward. They are the one who will have to implement any decisions and live with the consequences. Guidance that is delivered as a directive often breeds resistance rather than commitment.
Instead, aim to expand their perspective, equip them with frameworks for evaluating options, and enable them to make a well-informed choice. When people feel you're invested in helping them find their own way forward, they're far more likely to be open to your influence.
Build Trust Through Empathy and Encouragement
Underlying all of these advising principles is a foundation of trust. People are more receptive to guidance from advisors they believe have their best interests at heart. Building that kind of trust requires demonstrating empathy and providing encouragement.
Empathy is about genuinely seeking to understand the other person's experience and perspective[3]. It's more than just intellectually grasping their point of view. It's being able to sense the emotions underneath and communicate that understanding. Empathy sounds like:
"I can imagine how frustrating it must be to have put so much work into this proposal and not have it be well received. It's completely understandable to feel deflated right now. At the same time, I know how committed you are to this project. What can we learn from this experience to make the next iteration even stronger?"
Demonstrating empathy helps the other person feel validated in their experience, even as you're guiding them to new possibilities. It communicates that you're on their side and invested in their success.
Beyond empathy, effective advisors also provide ample encouragement and positive reinforcement. When someone is struggling with a challenge, reminding them of their strengths can be incredibly motivating. Call out the skills, knowledge, and experiences you see them bringing to the situation.
When you do need to share constructive feedback, be sure to balance it with acknowledgment of what they're doing well[3]. Highlight signs of progress and emphasize your confidence in their ability to learn and grow. For example:
"I know this project has been more challenging than expected and we've hit some roadblocks along the way. At the same time, I've been really impressed by X, Y, and Z that you've done. I have no doubt that we can figure this out together. What are some ways I can support you in moving forward?"
People are far more open to being influenced by advisors they trust. Aim to have a reputation as someone who listens with empathy, assumes positive intent, and is genuinely committed to others' growth and development. Encouragement and positive reinforcement go a long way in building the kind of trust that allows you to have real impact.
Putting It All Together
At its core, advising is about empowering others to find their own solutions. It requires adapting your influencing style, asking powerful questions, providing frameworks for evaluating options, and doing it all on a foundation of trust and empathy.
Like any skill, becoming a masterful advisor takes practice. Start by building your own self-awareness and emotional intelligence. Notice the impact different influencing approaches have on others. Reflect on what works and what you could improve.
Most importantly, stay committed to the other person's success, not your own ego. Advising isn't about being the smartest one in the room. It's about using your knowledge and experience in service of enabling others to discover their own wisdom.
When you can artfully guide people to their own solutions, you'll be the advisor everyone wants to turn to. You'll have earned the right to influence and have real impact. And you'll empower others to grow far beyond what they imagined possible.
Sources [1] Guidelines for Writing an Effective Blog Post - NAEYC https://www.naeyc.org/our-work/public-policy-advocacy/guidelines-writing-effective-blog-post [2] How to Write A Killer Blog Post: The Ultimate Guide - The Side Blogger https://www.thesideblogger.com/how-to-write-a-blog-post/ [3] How I Write Blogs With 3000+ Words In Less Than 2 Hours - Reddit https://www.reddit.com/r/Blogging/comments/hlqsw6/how_i_write_blogs_with_3000_words_in_less_than_2/ [4] How to write an academic blog post | Research impact https://authorservices.taylorandfrancis.com/research-impact/how-to-write-an-academic-blog-post/ [5] Are Blogs with 3000-4000+ words have More Benifits? - Reddit https://www.reddit.com/r/Blogging/comments/kyxkaq/are_blogs_with_30004000_words_have_more_benifits/ [6] Write A 3000+ Word Blog Post In 10 Mins Using ChatGPT - YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSKapsZlb1Q [7] [PDF] CareerZone Lesson Plans - Department of Labor - New York State https://dol.ny.gov/system/files/documents/2024/06/careerzone-lesson-plans_0.pdf [8] Write 3000 words every day, even when you don't feel like it https://businessesgrow.com/2015/09/08/how-to-write/ [9] Developing Emotional Intelligence, Part 3 | LearningCog https://www.learningcog.com/developing-emotional-intelligence-part-3-emotional-self-awareness/